2am

At what point do you think that you can truly come up with the perfect title for the most random blog? This is mostly for me anyways, the slight illusion that anyone would care about my most random inner thoughts. The most rational and then most irrational bullshit that is constantly roaming through this brain that I am very attached to. lol

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What is the true moment one truly can trust another? Like how do we come up with the correct steps and then when you figure it out, you also have to be able to TELL someone what those steps were. Expect them to handle it well when you enforce those true boundaries that you know in your soul you need. You know, I think don’t lie to me would be one; well it should be for everyone. That’s the most basic thing, which is why I choose to speak truth about the things that I think, my curiosities <- that took too many times to remember the spelling. Imho, it is also a blessing- I’m quite good at forming my words well. curating the best sentence so you will be able to understand. That’s from quite a few years of truly having to live through the abuse my family felt was necessary in order to deal with me. A 5 year old who cried and was scared. A 7 year old in her nighties and hair a bit of a mess being yelled at by her mom, simply because her father just experienced seeing a healthy 7 year old come home from a, supposed “vacation” come back skinny as hell and different. instead of understanding you fought over it, and made me feel bad for saying yes i wanted to stay with my aunt for a while. you literally went crazy, mom. i was so scared in that house for so long.

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No one would ever skip a trip to Puerto Rico. The beaches are so beautiful and clear, you can see sea shells (say that 3x fast ( I bit my tongue like 2x trying, good luck)just by looking down(!), the people and food are amazing. At least so I’ve heard, or seen in photos. Why would anyone brag about going to PR and all they did was walk to the store once, see a horse in someone’s’ front yard and then tried catching lizards the rest of the time. outside of the house though, no matter how i tried looking at it, was amazing. PS I give up on proper capital letters. I’m on a computer and its annoying me already.

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when i first got there, mann it was something different. it was so hot as soon as we landed and stepped off the plane; almost like you took a steam heated towel and wrapped it around you head. suffocating, right? //lol well for me it was. the last time i left my mom and my schedule, things were done to me that shouldn’t have been done to a child. i wanted to trust it, but after you come home from the worst “vacation’ of your life and see your mom standing there with a new boyfriend. A stranger in your house, when you didn’t have a door. when you don’t even trust your own family anymore. it means something different. meaner. my friends had mean moments but not like that, it was also reciprocated. and we were babies.

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nn why is it that people think that just because they do a random name with a random e-mail they think it will still be private ? lol.. wait i gotta go back and read what i said, lmao. all right lemme go back to were i rambled, my b. \\ tbh i kind of sound like an ungrateful brat. for me it was hell for about 3 weeks. we were supposed to be there 1, we stayed a little over a month- could be wrong dc to correct. but SPdAM that was not a happy extension. i gotchu, don’t be annoyed; i’m getting to it. so, the tea is the mother “in law ?” for my moms bf- they’d been dating a couple years now (my mom and him), he wasn’t horrible.. idk lol. BUT! ya guessed it, she didn’t like me. i’m of mixed race with a green/blue central heterochromia. wild hair and teeth to big for her face. different; but she dealt with me. made the best fnkn coffee- i dreaaam of that coffee. but if i wasn’t locked out (like dead bolted outside of the house- locked out) i was locked in. not in the good way guys say to motivate you, it kinda sucked at night but was okay during the day. i could see my barbies and the bucket when i had to go to the bathroom.

ee okay but actually what is the point of a blog ? just a jourmal out loud? if people in my life are to burdensome why would a stranger care? i dont know, imma do it for not- probably delete soon. watch me have fun with it. with life. insecuuurity..